This week I’m really excited to let you know that we have a guest post. It wasn’t written by someone I name drop on here often, but a lovely new friend named Jess. I met her through one of the girls I’m living with in Florida and on a whim I asked if she would think about writing something for the blog. I didn’t know what to expect, but she did write something and it’s lovely. If your heart is tired, this one is for you.
Do you ever have those seasons where you are just really struggling with something? And you don’t want to admit it? You dont want to acknowledge that you’re not doing okay, that you’re feeling so much.
I’m right smack in the middle of one of those seasons right now. I don’t like being vulnerable, but here I am, about to be vulnerable, and hating every second of it. But I think that maybe this will help me process. And maybe even help you?
So anyways, I have been struggling with my looks (shocker, a girl struggling with her looks—but read on). I’ve been struggling with my looks in the sense that I know I’m not awful looking, in my own opinion, but knowing you’re not awful to look at and believing you are beautiful are two completely different things. And well, I can tell you this, the last time I felt beautiful was March of 2017 when I was in a saree (traditional Indian dress) in India going to a birthday dinner for a close friend. Y’all, its 2018. Its been a bit. And I’m not staying I’ve struggled with my looks that whole time, but that’s the last time I’ve truly felt beautiful. Believed that I was beautiful.
I think I started battling the lies of beauty and ultimately insecurity since January of this year. So about two months now.
And I think I have not wanted to admit that I’m struggling because then I feel weak. And weak people are needy people. And needy people are too much for people to handle. And if I tell someone their immediate response is to affirm me in my looks, but that’s not what I need. And I don’t want to be seen as weak, as needy, as too much, and the last thing I need is my friends and family telling me Im beautiful; I need to believe it myself. I guess if you’re a therapist or someone who looks for root causes, it can all probably come down to the question “Am I enough?” But we’re not going to go that deep today.
This back story all brings me to what happened the other morning, and the reason I’m writing this, I promise. I was going to Whataburger to pick up some breakfast for my mom (if you have never had Whataburger I highly encourage you to go asap). As I pulled up the drive through line was halfway blocked by an 18-wheeler and there were too many cars and it was kind of chaotic, so I decided I would beat the system and just walked inside (spoiler alert: it wasn’t faster at all, it was a lot slower). As I was shuffling through people to get a drink I side-stepped so a little old man can pass by, we made eye contact, I smiled, he smiled, he said hi and I said hi back and then he stopped and looked at me. Then he said “just so cute” and then he smiled and giggled and started walking again. Then I laughed because I didn’t know what to do.
But I immediately thought about how that has been the question of my heart lately. Does anyone think I’m beautiful? Does anyone think Im valuable? Does anyone see me? And I know that he said “cute” and not beautiful, but my heart needed to hear it. My heart needed to know the answer to a question is has been asking for two months now. And it was from a complete stranger, from an old man who will never know how much it meant to me.
It was then that I realized the Lord truly hears our heart cries. I honestly believe Lord sent me that little old man to remind me what He thinks.
Through the sad thoughts and the mental battle that happens within my own head, I have a God that listens. He’s listens—truly listens. He’s been listening to my heart cries. Cries of not feeling beautiful, of not feeling lovely, or wanted, or valued. Just honestly the things I only admit to Him because He knows my heart.
In times when our hearts are broken and hurting and we don’t know when we will be okay again, the Lord hears us. He hears our deep cries. And every so often, He sends us people to remind us of that. Remind us that He is with us in this journey. Now, I’m not magically not questioning my beauty anymore, and Im not magically 100% again, but I am trusting this process and am encouraged and hopeful.
And please don’t hear me say that beauty is the only thing that matters, because it definitely is NOT. But it’s the battling I am currently fighting, its the battle that I will soon be winning. We all fight different battles, we all have things we wish we weren’t going through, we all have those deep cries of our heart that we think no one hears or cares about.
But the Lord cares; He hears, He listens, He cares.